The Danger of Asking the Wrong “Why”
When you or a client asks,
- “Why am I this way?”
- “Why does this always happen to me?”
- “Why did so-and-so do X?”
Be cautious. You are standing at the edge of a slippery slope, risking a descent into toxic why questions.
There is only one useful why question in coaching: “Why is X important to you?”
This question focuses on values and intentions, not history.
Most other “why” questions—those that dig into history, causes, blame, or past sources—lead into the murky territory of psychoanalysis and psycho-archeology, a path where many have lost themselves.
Clarity Comes from “How,” Not “Why”
You might think, “I’m just seeking clarity.” But clarity isn’t about uncovering the past. Clarity is about understanding how something works:
- How you procrastinate
- How you blame others
- How you confuse responsibility “to” and “for”
Clarity comes by asking “how” you function today, not why something happened yesterday.
If your real need is clarity, focus on what you want to achieve and how you operate, not on backward-looking explanations.
The Deceptive Comfort of Knowing “Why”
You might hear a client say, “If I could just understand why I did X (or why my partner did Y), I could move on.” This is a deception. It sounds logical, but it’s confusing why with how.
Imagine a conversation:
Coach: “Suppose you found out the why. Now what will you do tomorrow?”
Client: “But I don’t know why.”
Coach: “Okay, let’s make one up: Your parents didn’t know better. Your partner was stressed. You made assumptions. Now—what will you do tomorrow?”
Knowing why doesn’t teach you how. It doesn’t empower action. It merely provides a historical narrative. Action and change require learning how, not understanding why.
Why vs. How: Two Different Worlds
Why looks backward—searching for causes and reasons. How looks forward—focused on behaviors, strategies, and change.
Similarly, believing and understanding are not the same:
- Understanding: A conceptual grasp of a subject. It fills your mind with information.
- Belief: A command to your nervous system to act. It mobilizes energy toward action.
Understanding explains; belief activates. Understanding is knowing; belief is doing.
Turning Understanding into Action
When a client says, “I want to understand why,” respond by asking:
- “When you know why, how will that enable you to act differently?”
- “Do you typically act on what you know?”
- “Have you built a habit of turning understanding into immediate action?”
If not, the real work is in closing the knowing–doing gap — not widening it with more analysis.
The Bottom Line: How Transforms, Why Traps
You can spend a lifetime collecting “why” explanations and still be stuck. But when you focus on “how,” you unlock the power to act, transform, and grow.
Key reminder:
- Only ask “why” to discover what’s important to you.
- Otherwise, focus on “how.”
You’ll be far happier, more effective, and more empowered.
Curated by Danielle Tan.
Reference:
- [Certified_meta-coach] 2025 Morpheus #17 WHY DOES NOT EXPLAIN HOW by L. Michael Hall, Ph.D. Executive Director, ISNS.
