Part of the remedy for the human tendency to leap to irrational conclusions when confronted with an unpleasant experience is the practice of thinking things through. That way, you can give careful thought to the experience and the meaning you can draw from it. In coaching, one of the ways is through Meta-Model questions to gather more precise and specific information.
What is the Meta-Model?
Meta Model questions are a simple questioning technique that helps clients explore and clarify their mental maps, find and confront information they may be avoiding or forgetting, and double-check their assumptions and generalizations. You can use meta-model questions to index your client’s experiences, both in and out of context. To do this, you must extend the meaning of the words a person uses to describe an experience in order to gain access to data that is grounded in the senses and empirical observation. When you index something with Meta-Model, typical questions are How? What? When? Where? Who Specifically?
For example:
“Relationships are hard. They are especially hard if there’s any conflict because then there will be bitter feelings and lots of anger, and people just don’t handle anger well at all. It’s better to just keep your mouth shut and not bring up anything that creates conflict. Then at least, you can get along.”
What is the experience being referred to here? Relationships. But whose relationship? Don’t know. So, you can ask: “When you say ‘relationships’, who are you talking about?” If you get: “Well, you know, relationships in general,” then again, keep indexing the referent. “Is t#here someone that you find it hard to relate to? Yes? Who?” That indexes the person.
Now index the time and place. “When did you find it hard to relate to Salina? What was the situation?” This helps to index the context. Now you can find out if this is typical or if it is unusual. Even if it is typical, you might want to ask about an exception, “Have you ever related to her in a way that you found easy rather than hard?”
Next, find out about the context. “What was going on that was hard for you and made you think you shouldn’t say something that could cause a fight?” Was it about money, time, plans, options for where to go or what to eat, different ways to solve a problem, or something else? If the person has trouble in one or more situations, what is it that they do that makes it hard? What were you hoping for? Were your hopes reasonable or irrational?
We can also index skills. Give that “relationships” entails relating, communicating, understanding, seeking to understand, caring, exploring, accepting, etc., we might ask, “What are your skills for effectively relating to Salena?” “What skills are missing that you might want to use?” “What are some of her skills?” “How do you generally go about talking about differences so that you are not ‘conflicting,’ but just seeking to understand each other?” “What conflict resolution skills might you need?”
You could index each person’s states. “By the way, what state do you get into when you think there’s a conflict or differences?” “Is that the best state for you at that point?” “What state does the other person get into?” “Do you help each other to bring out the best in each other or do you hinder by triggering the other person to become more defensive?”
Change the Meaning Change the Experience
This is all what it means to “think through an experience.” In the end, you learn the difference between what happens and what you think it means. On their own, experiences don’t mean anything. You give things meaning because you are the one who decides what they mean. So, if you find an experience hard or painful, it’s likely because you’ve given it a meaning that makes it so. Your meanings are the main cause of the problem. Changing them changes the experience.
Curated by Danielle Tan.
Reference:
- [Neurons] 2023 Neurons #8 THE ART OF THINKING THROUGH YOUR EXPERIENCES by L. Michael Hall, Ph.D. Executive Director, ISNS.
