The ability to know that you are okay as a person and that you are capable of bearing the problems of life is what is meant by the expression “secure enough to face reality.” This refers to the ability to know that you are okay within yourself. Are you really so confident? If you have these two personal and internal resources, then you will be able to face reality without coming apart or getting into a highly reactive condition. If you do not have these resources, then you may find it difficult to face reality. This is the result of a person’s inability to confront their own realities due to a lack of adequate ego power. If you have this sense of inner security, then the difficulties that come from the outside world will not cause you to question who you are as a person (your value or your dignity), nor will they overwhelm your capacity to deal with life.
You are now able to face reality for what it is and take steps that will help you deal with problems since you are aware of your unconditional value and have gained the skills to cope with difficult situations. You are now ready to face the obstacles that life throws at you. Acceptance is the sign that there is adequate internal security to face reality, and acceptance is what brings that about. On the other hand, refusing to accept life and the difficulties it presents makes it practically impossible to deal with life. You are battling reality itself when you reject what is, and as long as you are fighting reality, you are wasting your energy, thought, creativity, problem-solving talents, and so on in a domain that is self-defeating. When you reject what is, you are fighting reality itself. Why? Simply because the truth is how it is. It doesn’t matter how much you loathe it, hate it, or wish things were different; the reality is that things are the way they are.
If a loved one has died, it means that someone you cared about is no longer with you. If a storm blew away your house, it is no longer there. If you are told you have cancer, you have to deal with that. And this is where the magic of acceptance helps you deal with things and move on with your life. You can accept something even if you don’t like it. You only need to agree with it. This “acceptance” is not the same thing as quitting, which is a very different thing. It doesn’t even imply that the situation is okay. Acceptance means letting what is be what it is. And because of that, it is the place to start in order to heal and be strong.
In her famous study on grief, Kubler-Ross identified five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, sadness, and acceptance. However, grief resolution doesn’t need any of these stages. You will only have these problems if you don’t accept life and its problems as they are. When you accept, you don’t have to refuse, get angry, negotiate, or feel down. But when people accept themselves, they don’t need to. [You also waste your time and energy on them.]
What does it take to face reality? I’d suggest that you start with a strong sense of self-worth and a set of ways to deal with problems. After that, you will need to accept things as they are. But you could start with acceptance even if you didn’t have the first two. Accepting something can be the first step towards facing truth. This is because the fight stops when you accept yourself, your skills, your powers, your situation, etc. It stops you from fighting against yourself, your past, things from your youth, etc., on the inside.
Acceptance is powerful for many reasons. As a rule of thumb for change, you can’t change what you don’t accept. So the first step towards change is acceptance. Also, if you don’t accept something, you can’t face it.
Cognitive distortions are what cause the pre-grief stages of a loss, like denial, anger, bargaining, and sadness. These happen when a person makes a loss bigger than it is, makes it personal, makes it emotional, makes it seem awful, gets tunnel vision about it, etc. To feel safe from the inside out, you need to start by accepting reality as it is. Just admit it. When you start with this kind of acceptance, all the inner fighting against what’s real stops, and you can focus on how to deal with it. Now you’re ready to solve problems in a good way.
Curated by Danielle Tan.
Reference:
- [Meta-Coaches] 2023 Morpheus #26 REALITY FACING SECURITY by L. Michael Hall, Ph.D. Executive Director, ISNS.
