In coaching, we do not tell.
We never instruct our clients on how they should feel, act, or even what they should be thinking. We don’t presume to know what’s best for them, so we don’t provide advice or pry into their lives. We don’t just tell our clients what to do; instead, we employ a coaching approach to help them figure out what they truly care about and how they want to live their lives. Our ultimate goal is to become obsolete as a coaching service.
But sometimes you have to tell. Sometimes a client just does not know what he needs to know in order to make a decision or even carry on a conversation. Sometimes she is just misinformed or deceived or just wrong. Then what? As a Meta-Coach you are not to tell, and “telling” is a level 1 skill, so it really takes away from effective coaching. Given that, now what?
Actually, there are lots of solutions to this.
#1. Introduce a Menu List
In ACMC we recommend that you introduce and offer a menu list. In that way, you don’t have to tell. Instead, you are presenting a list of possibilities (a menu list should have at least three and ideally five to seven items). Typically, a menu list “primes the pump” of creativity and mindfulness so that your client is off and running with her own solutions which is the whole purpose of menu lists.
#2. Assign Homework
You learned this in ACMC when we said repeatedly, “Give your client the list of Cognitive Distortions and ask them to familiarize with them.” After that, all you have to do is ask a discovery question, “What distortions did you catch yourself using in telling about that event?” Or, “Did I just hear you personalize?” This holds true for many things that you can task your client to do. Give them a handout on the specific meta-program which is over-driving a client. Give them a handout on a pattern that you’ve used with them and ask them to do it several more times.
#3. Give Feedback
Instead of telling, offer your feedback about how you are experiencing your client right now … in real time. “As you talk about X, my sense is that you really miss him and maybe you wish you could ask for forgiveness, I may not be getting that right, what do you think?” Offering your perspective as yours and make sure you offer it tentatively. This is one of the great gifts within the coaching relationship. Here you can “tell” that is, say what you feel like you need to say, without telling. You own it as yours.
#4. Offer a Recommendation or Suggestion
The ideal time for this is at the end of the session when you are wrapping up and solidifying the tasking. Frame it thus:
“One recommendation for this next week that strikes me as a potential solution would be for you to begin observing when you get triggered by your colleagues.” Then offer it. You could set it up for some unpredictability. “On odd days of the week, predict that you are willing to fully cooperate and notice how your boss responds. Don’t tell him you are pretend. Let’s see if he can tell. On even days, don’t pretend. Just respond as you normally do.”
#5. Use Paradoxical Injunctions
“Since you are experience bouts of anger at work every day, I want you to use that anger for self-discovery. So, every time the anger hits a ‘6′ on the scale, I want you to go to the restroom, sit on a toilet, close the door, and on the toilet paper write down every ugly thing you can think of about the person who triggered you. Get it all out. Then stand up and royally flush all of the toilet paper down the toilet. You can stay as angry as you can be. Then when you hear the flushing sound, let the anger go.”
#6. Use Summaries and Implications
An excellent habit to get into is to do a two- or three-minute summary at the end of the session. Start it with, “Today I have heard …” then highlight the key expressions. As you do this, interlace the summary with implications.
“As you talked about needing more exercise, that suggests that there’s a part of you getting ready to make a decision about exercising for your health and fitness, and I don’t know if you will start it this week or if you’re still preparing for it, but you can notice it and let me know next time.”
#7. Interlace Communications with Metaphors
What metaphor would suggest or imply something you would like to say?
“As you told me that the changes are inconsistent and off-and-on, I thought about a river, sometimes the going is smooth, sometimes rough, sometimes you are in the white waters and it is both exciting and scary, but the river keeps moving you forward.”
#8. Introduce Relevant Facts
In a matter-of-fact tone of voice, simply comment, “In Meta-Coach, we call emotions symptoms because they come from your meanings and reflect your meanings. What meanings are driving your fears?”
“In the neuro-science a study showed that multi-tasking reduces comprehension and memory by 30%, so knowing that, are you ready to set a goal about focusing completely on X?”
Bottom Line
Telling cheats a client out of learning for himself. And if you tell, while it can make you feel good, it is likely to prevent your client from discovering it on her own. Ask questions to facilitate your client’s discovery. If she discovers it, it is hers. She is much less likely to forget it. If you are tempted to tell, bite down on your tongue until it bleeds. Instead of telling, learn the advanced skills of un-telling mentioned here.
Curated by Danielle Tan.
Reference:
- [Certified_meta-coach] 2022 Morpheus #56 DO YOU KNOW HOW TO NOT TELL? by L. Michael Hall, Ph.D. Executive Director, ISNS.
