“Being specific is very important. Life is lived specifically…
William O’Hanlon
it’s the details that count.”
Detailing and asking the right questions to get your client to elaborate on things are important skills in coaching. When you get the hang of how to elaborate, you will be much more skilled and competent in creating an effective and transformational focus in your coaching sessions. How do you get started? Initiate the focus by asking the question that starts all coaching conversations, “What do you want to achieve in this session that’s critically important to you?” (Well-Form Outcome Question #1).
It’s a wonderful question, but the reality is that most clients won’t tell you what they want specifically and precisely. That’s nothing new, though, right? If you ask them, though, what will they say? If you push too far, they’ll reveal information they would rather keep hidden. Fear, apprehension, problems, blocks, excuses (even if they think it’s a valid cause), conflicts, etc. will all be discussed at length. They’ll say things like:
“I don’t know.”
“That won’t work.”
“I just need clarification…”
Then suddenly you realize that you’re with your client, and it seems like there’s nothing to discuss. Your eyes land on the clock. There is a remaining time of 57 minutes in the coaching session. And now what? Understand that the client has effectively ended the session at this point. Isn’t that just fascinating? A paying client who has been investing time, energy, and money and has decided to forego any further options. What gives? Why is it that people are so hesitant to open up to you?
There are many possibilities. He may simply not know how to talk about his inside world. That’s common. He may know how or could do so hesitantly, but he’s afraid, he feels embarrassed, or he thinks it is weird, etc. She might want to but simultaneously afraid of opening a can of worms and not knowing where it may go. She may fear that her secrets will not be kept confidential. There’s lots of reasons.
How to Get Clients to Elaborate?
#1. Open Up the Conversation
More important is realizing that what’s needed at this point for you is to open up the conversation and create the space for the coaching conversation. That’s the skill you need at that moment. This skill involves several things—communicating a sense of safety, a sense of trustworthiness, and a sense of respectful interest and commitment. Some of the examples are:
- “You’re experiencing something inside you that’s stopping the process. How ecological is that for you in terms of your goal of achieving X?”
- “Tell me about what you are aware of right now. That will help us get started.”
- “Are you willing to continue exploring X? Is that what you truly want?”
- “Are you willing to put this block on hold for right now and we will come back to it later?”
#2. Framing
You will also need the framing skill. Set up two or three frames as you get started and refresh them during the conversation, frames that
- Let your client know that for you to get to the heart of things with them.
- The inner meanings which are actually creating their felt sense of reality.
- They need to say whatever comes to mind and not censor it.
Examples:
- “You are not here to please me or to gain my favor. You already have that—I’m here on your behalf to facilitate you unleashing your hidden potentials and becoming the best version of you.”
- “What pops into your mind, especially if it seems embarrassing or insignificant may indeed be a signal to the assumptive frames that’s stopping you full development and empowerment. So just say it, everything is confidential here and whatever it is, it is just human stuff.”
Conclusion
As a Meta-Coach, it’s your job to keep your client focused on his or her long-term goal and the relevancy of the conversation. Let your client elaborate and bring up all sorts of seemingly irrelevant subjects. And when they do, welcome it. Then use your inferential thinking/ listening to see if you can detect any hidden connections. And as always, check it out with your client. It may be relevant, it may not. Your client may be ready for it, or not ready. Either way, coaching is a process, a journey, and an adventure.
Curated by Danielle Tan.
Reference:
- [Meta-Coaches] 2022 Morpheus #43 FOCUSING AND ELABORATING by L. Michael Hall, Ph.D. Executive Director, ISNS.
