Imagine the last time when you were in a social event, do you focus on the needs of others or on your own?
Focus on Self
If you are focusing on yourself, you may be standing around and waiting, “When will someone offer me a drink?”
Focus on Others’ Needs
If your concern and focus go to others, you will be asking, “May I get you a drink?” You are a helper, a facilitator, a host, and a caring and concerned guest. You notice such things as when someone else may have a need.
Self-Attention
A healthy human is capable of attending to their own needs. They are aware of their own feelings, thoughts, beliefs, preferences, ideas, desires, and needs. When I focus my attention on myself, I evaluate information based on how it impacts me. After that, I make decisions regarding what is best for me in the long and/or short run.
However, most relationships will be difficult for an extreme self-attention type, whether as a team member, employee, lover, parent, or neighbor. It can cause problems in our relationships if we are unwilling to consider the effects of our actions and decisions on others.
Thus, there should be a good balance between what and who gets our attention in a healthy relationship, whether it’s with ourselves or with others. We can’t be 100% focused on ourselves or 100% focused on others all the time; we need to be able to switch between the two.
Here are the 6 ways to balance your needs with the needs of others:
#1. Show Interest
Be interested in what they are saying. Pay attention and concentrate as much as possible. Maintain eye contact and lean toward the person instead than away from them. Don’t talk over or interrupt the person you’re with. Try not to obsess on how you’ll reply, which can lead to you not paying attention to what the other person is saying.
#2. Validate Others
Show your understanding of the other person’s thoughts, feelings, and point of view by your words and actions. Put yourself in their place as much as possible. There is nothing wrong with asserting your own desires, but do so without ignoring the other person’s wishes and perspective.
#3. Practice Non-judgement
Don’t pass any judgement on anyone. Separate the action and the person doing it. The phrase “if you were a good person, you should…” should be avoided. Stay away from blaming others. Keep your thoughts and words non-judgmental at all times, even when you’re speaking.
#4. Be Honest
Be honest with yourself and with the other person. Validate your own emotions and needs, just as you would the other person’s.
#5. Stick to Values
Stay true to what you believe in. Don’t give up your core beliefs. Compromise is vital, but not at the expense of what’s most important to you in the first place. Don’t compromise your morals or ethics in order to avoid controversy. Your moral code and how it affects your thoughts and actions should guide you in all of your decisions.
#6. Be Truthful
Don’t lie to manipulate, gain favor or make excuses. Doing so will likely make you feel awful about your actions. It can also cause future conflict if discovered, and make things worse if not.
Respect the Needs of Others while Maintaining Self-Respect
Managing relationships is all about balancing your own needs with those of the people you care about. You can respect the needs of others by listening to what the other person is saying and doing your best to understand their point of view. It’s also important to maintain your self-respect while balancing your own needs with those of other people.
Ideally, what is best is that by extending the focus on self and on others both ways, you can enjoy your alone times and your times with people. You can balance out the need to attend to others in a group situation and to be attended to by others.
Curated by Danielle Tan.
Reference:
- [Certified meta-coach] 2022 Morpheus #17 MAY I GET YOU A DRINK? by L. Michael Hall, Ph.D.
- Balancing Your Needs With the Needs of Others | NYC Therapist
